Power of Focusing on What you Want

Setting boundaries - one of life's necessary yet most challenging skills if you want to set out to create a life that is full of agility and intentionality. In our recent book club discussion, we explored the importance of not only communicating what we don't want but also focusing on what we do want. Many of us in the group are Project Management or Product Management consultants, so we regularly have the conversation with our clients to focus their goals on what they want their company to be and not on what they don't want to be. Why should that be any different for our own lives?! We quickly realized that by solely expressing what we don't like or don't want in our boundaries, we may miss the opportunity to clearly articulate our desires and needs.

We acknowledged that feeling guilty for setting boundaries is a real emotion that many of us have experienced. It can be challenging to work through this guilt and overcome the fear of potential pushback from others. However, we learned that we can prepare ourselves ahead of time for this possibility and set ourselves up for success by anticipating and addressing these feelings. Guilt is often one of those learned behaviors that carries over from the discussion we had last session. This learned behavior can make starting to set boundaries hard because you feel guilty for even considering putting your needs first or going against the ways that you were always taught, but you are your own individual person. You are allowed to have your own identity outside of your upbringing.

One concept that hit home for all of us, and frankly stopped me in my tracks when I read the paragraph, was the recognition that just as we have the right to set boundaries to protect the life we are trying to build, the person receiving the boundary also has the right to feel however they want about it. We realized that we cannot control their response or reaction to our boundaries, and it may not always align with how we think they should feel about it.

It was an important reminder that while we have the autonomy to set our own boundaries, we cannot dictate or force others to accept or respect them. It is essential to understand that we can communicate our boundaries assertively and respectfully, but we cannot control how others perceive or react to them. For a very Type A personality like me, this is hard. Prior to setting a boundary I want to think through all of the scenarios to ensure I know how to react and respond when it arises. But through the techniques in this book I am learning that I cannot control the outcome of the boundary. I can only set the boundary and find my own peace (wow... guess that's why she gave it that great title!) 

Through our discussions, we also learned the importance of focusing on what we do want when setting boundaries. By clearly articulating our desires and needs, we create a positive and proactive approach to boundary-setting. It shifts the focus from what we don't want to what we are striving for, and empowers us to assertively communicate our boundaries in a constructive and effective manner.

"Boundaries are assertive steps that you take verbally and behaviorally to create a peaceful life."

Missed our last post? Catch up on the beginning of our boundaries deep-dive.